benjamin franklin did not have breast cancer

benjamin franklin did not have breast cancer.
-picture of a $100 bill-
but he can help people who do.

...was the idea that occurred to me this morning. so i made two posters, one for work and one for my apartment building.

i posted the one at work, and nobody noticed. so it looks like the next few months will involve cubicle visits.

it was a continuation of the tone that set the day. i stumbled upon an online "book" of tips for walking, training and fundraising for a breast cancer walk. in it, for fundraising tips, the guy says that he set his goal at $10,000 (??!?!?) and raised it in a matter of weeks because he just asked all his high ranking friends for $100 or more. his silly wife, on the other hand, idiotically decided to try and raise it by asking lots of people for small amounts of money. oh, women! you know how they are.

it made me mad. mostly because the "asking lots of people for small amounts of money" was my plan, too. i guess i was more hurt, than mad?

ugh. wonderful. it's day two and i'm already disillusioned. i'm already telling myself that i can't do it. i'm shooting myself in the foot before i've even started to fill out the paperwork to buy a gun.

and the pings stopped coming.

though the chorus of "it's day 2. don't worry!" remained strong. but i DO worry. because i'm not good at following through. and i'm really trying to change that. and i'm really, legitimately worried. and if i text you saying "i'm freaking out, i don't think i can raise this money", i promise you that i'm not trying to get you to donate right that moment. consider it... emotional belching.

at any rate, i did the math this morning.

Goal - $2500
To Be Earned - $2270
Need - $10 per day or $324 per month
Time to raise it - 226 days

i want one ping a day. the thoughts came: what if i never get any donations at all? what if i have to quit? what if i...? what if?

and then i got one. i was busy and didn't even really process it. but then i realized: i'm at $250 now. 10%. in 2 days. i decided to keep a tally of pings at the end of each day. because, maybe it WILL all be okay.

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and on a separate, but slightly related note, i just saw 'the wrestler'. i don't know that i've seen mickey rourke in much, or in anything at all. but i was struck by his genuineness, his realness, his charm, his relatability. it was a successful movie because of this.

so i'm going to try it.

i was scared when i saw my aunt during chemo. i was not rejoicing. i was not celebrating. i was scared, and nervous, and confused. sallow skin. tired, sunken eyes. tired, but not defeated. it made me nervous. anything medical related does. it was all so fragile... i didn't want to touch. any of it. i was scared because it said to me, for perhaps the first time, people can die. and people will die.

i don't like thinking about death. and i don't like hospitals or any places in which death occurs. i got the chills driving home on the 10 east today after 2 people were killed on it this morning. i stared at the pictures from the early morning accident for a long time. i said a prayer. and then i stared some more. it can't be real, i thought. even though i sat in that traffic, it still wasn't real. but driving home tonight, seeing various marks on the barriers, pieces of plastic on the road, neither of which i was certain came from the accident, seeing that made it real. seeing it said to me, people can die. and people will die.

maybe this is why i'm obsessed with the concept of the apocalypse. because everyone will die at once. everyone will be gone *ZIP* in a flash. no time for a last kiss or hug, no time to say "I LOOOVE YOU!!!" to the man/woman/animal you should have married, no time for anything. and maybe that's what i like about the idea of an apocalypse. because it happens so fast you don't even know it. and you never have to comprehend that you are dying, everything around you is dying and everything you ever loved is dying. before you can even blink it's all gone. it isn't real.

even though it is. and car accidents are inevitable, i think, as people are generally horrible, idoitic drivers. and the apocalypse, too, is inevitable (whether it be for your biblical reasons, 2012 reasons, nostradamus reasons).

but dying from cancer is NOT inevitable. dying from cancer does NOT have to happen. getting cancer does NOT have to happen. the sallow skin, the sunken eyes, the pain, the tiredness, the doctors, the drugs, the radiation, the struggle, the fight... they do NOT have to happen.

we LET it happen. we LET it.

it's time to fucking fight back.

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Day One- 1/27/09- pings: 6
Day Two- 1/28/09- pings: 1