Saturday, January 31, 2009

let's pretend it's still yesterday

because i forgot to write. i'm pre-dating this entry. because i have to.

i received my walker packet in the mail. it was inspirational, it was encouraging, it came with lots of fun things to play with.

but

um

the walker handbook says that you cannot listen to headphones on your walk. that you shouldn't bring your cell phone/ipod because there are no charging stations.

um

what??

i had lofty plans of transferring a bunch of books on cd to my ipod and listening to them on the walk. i had lofty plans of, in my darkest most tired hour, being able to slap on some franz, muse, girl talk...anything.

no music?? no books to listen to?? no encouraging text messages?? what is this, 1994?

this will, perhaps, be my first challenge on the walk!!

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Day Five- 1/31/09- pings: 1




Friday, January 30, 2009

everybody lies & quad toms

i've been sitting at home tonight, nursing body aches, a stomachache, headache, chills and sore throat. i'm getting through it with 'drumline' (the movie, yes, i was watching it) and dvr-ed episodes of 'house'.

i have played an instrument from the age of 8 or so. i started out with piano, and took up the flute in 5th grade, for the sole purpose of playing 'yankee doodle' in a parade. i played both until 8th grade, when i dropped piano and stuck with flute until high school graduation. my flute is currently stashed away in closet. our piano is still played by my mom. unfortunately, the one song i had re-taught myself after forgetting how to play, i've now forgotten. it was 'fur elise'. cliche.

i wish i hadn't stopped playing the piano. and though i never did play 'yankee doodle' in a parade, i don't really worry about this dream being fulfilled.

today when i was walking franklin, a parking enforcement guy was ticketing someone on my street. he stopped and looked at franklin, and asked if he had one eye. yes, i said, and i explained frankie's history. he began to tell me about how he loves dogs, about his four dogs. we talked about franklin and about how we could always want more dogs, then he got in his car and drove away.

in college, a roommate of mine and her boyfriend got into a fight about whether or not meter maids (and men) were vindictive by nature. i never knew the outcome of their argument, but after talking to that guy today, i am firmly landing on the side of "no, they are not".

my point? i'm not sure if i really have one. maybe it's not that, in the illustrious words of one g. house, "everybody lies", but rather that everyone isn't what they seem.

everyone is dealing with something that you don't know about. i'm learning to not expect to know how anyone would react.** which is why i'm asking absolutely everyone for money. because, the truth is, you just never know.

you just never know who is going to say, "you know what, i don't have time for this, i don't care about your walk." you just never know who is going to say, "you know what, my grandmother/mom/sister/aunt/friend/lover died last year from breast cancer. thank you." you just never know who is going to say, "you know what? i'm in remission!" and until you know, it can't hurt to be polite, friendly, caring and passionate about what you're doing. and it's with this philosophy that i stuck up a neon green poster in our building's laundry room with a ton of tabs for people to take and tabs i will continue to replace until september, because you know what, you just never know.


**case in point: i texted my friend in new york: "i'm alone on a friday night watching drumline." response: "hey, we were watching that too, in a bar!" you just never know.



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Day Four- 1/30/09- pings: 1

Thursday, January 29, 2009

hot and cold

not much to say at the moment. work involved lots of downtown streets, the drive home was awful (2 hr commute? seriously, people, learn how to drive). i wish gas was still $5/gallon, because it meant less people on the road.

my throat has felt like sandpaper all day and i just want to sleep. it's been a long day. but, and i swear that i'm not saying this for a *sob* moment, i keep reminding myself that plenty of people have it worse than me. and "plenty of people" are why i'm doing this walk.

i'm doing okay. i've got nyquil and tea and fresh water for my throat. what about those with sandpaper throats from being in the sterile, dry hospital air all day...all night. all week. all month. all year. stress and tiredness. it's always a long day. i get to go to sleep in my own bed tonight. i'm doing okay.

and in lieu of kristy's comment this morning, i'm focusing on the positive. like, hey, i've lost over 8 pounds in the past 3 weeks. and i got 3 donations today. and my biggest one yet (thanks dad!). and i have lots of new eco felt to play with. (the "felt" is 100% made from post-consumer recycled plastic bottles... i put felt in quotes, because then, technically, it's not felt, right? since felt is wool? i digress. but fear not, eco crafts will soon arise...perhaps of the breasterly sort.)

and i'm ready to hang some benji franklin posters in our building's laundry room, and i've made little tear-off tabs with my relevant donation info on them so people can take one home with them. i just hope they get snatched up as quickly as the ones for free recliners or piano lessons do.

so i guess, even with the sandpaper, it's been a good day.

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Day Three- 1/29/09- pings: 3

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

benjamin franklin did not have breast cancer

benjamin franklin did not have breast cancer.
-picture of a $100 bill-
but he can help people who do.

...was the idea that occurred to me this morning. so i made two posters, one for work and one for my apartment building.

i posted the one at work, and nobody noticed. so it looks like the next few months will involve cubicle visits.

it was a continuation of the tone that set the day. i stumbled upon an online "book" of tips for walking, training and fundraising for a breast cancer walk. in it, for fundraising tips, the guy says that he set his goal at $10,000 (??!?!?) and raised it in a matter of weeks because he just asked all his high ranking friends for $100 or more. his silly wife, on the other hand, idiotically decided to try and raise it by asking lots of people for small amounts of money. oh, women! you know how they are.

it made me mad. mostly because the "asking lots of people for small amounts of money" was my plan, too. i guess i was more hurt, than mad?

ugh. wonderful. it's day two and i'm already disillusioned. i'm already telling myself that i can't do it. i'm shooting myself in the foot before i've even started to fill out the paperwork to buy a gun.

and the pings stopped coming.

though the chorus of "it's day 2. don't worry!" remained strong. but i DO worry. because i'm not good at following through. and i'm really trying to change that. and i'm really, legitimately worried. and if i text you saying "i'm freaking out, i don't think i can raise this money", i promise you that i'm not trying to get you to donate right that moment. consider it... emotional belching.

at any rate, i did the math this morning.

Goal - $2500
To Be Earned - $2270
Need - $10 per day or $324 per month
Time to raise it - 226 days

i want one ping a day. the thoughts came: what if i never get any donations at all? what if i have to quit? what if i...? what if?

and then i got one. i was busy and didn't even really process it. but then i realized: i'm at $250 now. 10%. in 2 days. i decided to keep a tally of pings at the end of each day. because, maybe it WILL all be okay.

---

and on a separate, but slightly related note, i just saw 'the wrestler'. i don't know that i've seen mickey rourke in much, or in anything at all. but i was struck by his genuineness, his realness, his charm, his relatability. it was a successful movie because of this.

so i'm going to try it.

i was scared when i saw my aunt during chemo. i was not rejoicing. i was not celebrating. i was scared, and nervous, and confused. sallow skin. tired, sunken eyes. tired, but not defeated. it made me nervous. anything medical related does. it was all so fragile... i didn't want to touch. any of it. i was scared because it said to me, for perhaps the first time, people can die. and people will die.

i don't like thinking about death. and i don't like hospitals or any places in which death occurs. i got the chills driving home on the 10 east today after 2 people were killed on it this morning. i stared at the pictures from the early morning accident for a long time. i said a prayer. and then i stared some more. it can't be real, i thought. even though i sat in that traffic, it still wasn't real. but driving home tonight, seeing various marks on the barriers, pieces of plastic on the road, neither of which i was certain came from the accident, seeing that made it real. seeing it said to me, people can die. and people will die.

maybe this is why i'm obsessed with the concept of the apocalypse. because everyone will die at once. everyone will be gone *ZIP* in a flash. no time for a last kiss or hug, no time to say "I LOOOVE YOU!!!" to the man/woman/animal you should have married, no time for anything. and maybe that's what i like about the idea of an apocalypse. because it happens so fast you don't even know it. and you never have to comprehend that you are dying, everything around you is dying and everything you ever loved is dying. before you can even blink it's all gone. it isn't real.

even though it is. and car accidents are inevitable, i think, as people are generally horrible, idoitic drivers. and the apocalypse, too, is inevitable (whether it be for your biblical reasons, 2012 reasons, nostradamus reasons).

but dying from cancer is NOT inevitable. dying from cancer does NOT have to happen. getting cancer does NOT have to happen. the sallow skin, the sunken eyes, the pain, the tiredness, the doctors, the drugs, the radiation, the struggle, the fight... they do NOT have to happen.

we LET it happen. we LET it.

it's time to fucking fight back.

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Day One- 1/27/09- pings: 6
Day Two- 1/28/09- pings: 1

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

beginnings

it's january 27th. i signed up to walk in the seattle breast cancer 3-day walk late last night. i'd been talking about it with my mom for a few weeks, and had mentally started a list of things i could do to raise the $2300 required to participate.

almost immediately after signing up, i upped my goal to $2500. and proceeded to solicit 180 of my facebook friends for donations. i sent out emails to others. i'm prepping letters to send to still more.

and then i waited. my mind tossed around ideas. "boob tshirts? good? bad? tasteful?" "felt boob pins? good? bad? tasteful?" "is it wrong that i just want to make crafts involving breasts? they're just so easy to cut out and draw!" "is 'boob crafting' its own genre?" i'm certain there were more. i'm certain they involved breasts. and then i went to bed.

when i woke up, there was an email. "a donation was made on your behalf." for $50. i'd only been asking for $20. lots of smaller donations from lots more people. you know, obama style. it worked for him, and then some.

i rubbed my eyes. i processed what "a donation was made on your behalf" REALLY meant. it meant that this was really happening. that this is really happening, and it is happening right now.

after that initial donation came another. and another. and throughout the day, my phone would "ping" and there in my email account: "a donation was made on your behalf."

and here it it, not even 9 pm on january 27th. not even a full day has passed, and i have already received 6 donations, totalling $230.

when i started to read about this event, one comment that stood out to me was "you'll be surprised by who donates... and by who doesn't. and you'll be surprised by who donates what." but i'm surprised by something else.

for as much as people lambaste facebook for being a cesspool of meaningless "friends", it's not true. or at least, not entirely. facebook let me reconnect with people i knew years ago, had a class with, or hadn't spoken to in awhile. it let me say "hey, i know i haven't spoken to you in ages, but i'm doing this really important event, and i need help. can you help me?" and it let them say "yes". and it will let me ask others again, further down the line.

still, midway through the day today, i did panic. i did think "what did i get myself into? $2300?? $2500?? can i DO that?" and i came home, and i asked adam, and he said, "yes, yes you can. it's day one. you're almost 10% there."

it took awhile to convince myself that this was true, to get that silly, worried pit out of my stomach. to remember how excited i was when i was first brainstorming, to remember how excited i was at that first "ping".

so we'll see. one day at a time, right?

i have until september 11. and between now and then, i'm going to raise $2500. i'm going to train myself to walk 60 miles. i'm going to reflect on what this walk means to me. i'm going to try and do it seriously. and i'm going to try and do it with a sense of humor. and i'm going to do it all on here.

The Letter (Round 1)

My original plea/explanatory letter...ugly HTML codes and all.
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This September, I will be walking in the Seattle Breast Cancer 3-Day event. Over the course of a weekend, I will walk 60 miles alongside my mom, who lost her sister to breast cancer about 10 years ago. It’s January. So why am I telling you about this now?

I have to raise $2300 in donations to participate in this walk. I want to raise $2500. At least. It seems like a lot, but compared to what breast cancer fighters go through, it's nothing.

I’ve seen cancer in many forms, from my Aunt Patti, who fought hard and exceeded her doctors' life expectancy by years. I’ve seen the mothers of some of my best friends stare it down, right in the eye, and beat it. I’ve seen an 11-year-old child, my friend and former nanny charge, get hit with leukemia in 2006, only to put on her gloves and send it into remission, where it has stayed.

But perhaps most importantly, I know I’m not the only one who has seen things. I know I'm not the only one who knows someone. I know I'm not the only one who has gotten that call about a loved one, read that email that stops their heart. I know that other people have lost their mothers, their sisters, their daughters, their aunts, their nieces, their lovers, their friends. I know that their families have been pulled apart in so many directions, that just the thought of holding on, holding it together for one more day seems impossible. I know that I am a lucky one. But I also know that it can’t last.

This year more than 200,000 women and men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and more than 40,000 will lose their life to the disease.

40,000 people will die from breast cancer this year. Imagine everyone you know losing someone they love, and then double that. Triple that. Quadruple that. 40,000 people.

200,000 people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. If you don’t know someone who already has been, chances are you will. It doesn’t matter what age, race, gender, class, location, sexual orientation, political belief, religion… it doesn’t matter. 200,000 people from all walks of life will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. And 40,000 will not survive.

So what can you do? Walking for 60 miles isn’t going to cure cancer. Raising $2300, $2500, $5000 isn’t going to cure cancer.

But it will help.

Net proceeds from the Breast Cancer 3-Days benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure to fund breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment programs, as well as the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund, to provide a permanent endowment for breast cancer initiatives.

What do I need? I need 125 people to donate $20. That’s it.

$20.

200,000 diagnoses. 40,000 lost.

How many lives can you save?

Please consider supporting me.

There are many battles going on… let’s focus on the war.

Love,
Lauren

PS- If you would like to donate, please visit: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Events/General?fr_id=1170&pg=pfind and search for my name. I'm walking with Team PK (Patti Kay, my aunt). You can donate online, over the phone, or by mail. Just email me with any questions. Thank you!